My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
