Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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