Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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