my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
