Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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