you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
