ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
