he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize