Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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