So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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