Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
