he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
