I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't put those talents on a resume
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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