You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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