Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize
