But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
