I just cut my nipple shaving
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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