i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
