Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
