So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
organizing the empties. That sober.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
