she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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