Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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