I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
