I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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