When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
