bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
