FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
