My room smells like vodka and shame
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
