There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
