What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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