well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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