chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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