Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
