I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ugly people sure do ruin things
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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