Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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