So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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