You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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