Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
