mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
