I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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