Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
