The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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