1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love you. Go after that dick
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
