The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
