the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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