"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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