Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
