You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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