you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
