onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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