glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
