very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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