I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
